Eldorado Blues

Gemini

- February 21 -

I should be mad, infuriated, murderous with hatred, but I can’t bring myself to hate anything. I should be ignoring you, shunning you, pretending you didnt exist, but I dont want to. I shouldnt speak to you, care about you, but I dont regret it. You make me happy but I am cronically sad. Everything I think contradicts what I want.
You should be punished, publically humiliated, ashamed (I know you are ashamed… as it should be), but I am still holding on to something, and I cant get myself to let it go. I am an idiot, I am blinded, I am ignorant, my heart has shattered at your fucking feet, but I just need to keep hoping that maybe everything can be redeemed. But I cant turn back time. Maybe you will get help or maybe you will change completely into something or someone else, and I can love them too.
I hate being unconditionally when it hurts, I hate being uncertain when Im usually so decisive. I hate seeing things in gray when everything is black and white. I hate fucking blogging my feelings. I hate that I am crying out for help, but no matter who answers I wont like what I hear… even if you answer.
Please. Please. Do something to make everything okay. Anything. Until then, all I can do is take refuge in the fact that I can still feel anything at all.